Fox Fur

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CD2LRROpph0

0:00-0:02 - We are introduced to Rebecca Black, and Ark Music Factory. I conjecture that Ark Music Factory founder Clarence Jay named his company after two passions of his:The Biblical flood of the Old Testament (Noah’s Ark) and perennial 90’s dance group C&C Music Factory (Gonna Make You Sweat Til’ You Bleed).

0:02-0:03 - She skips Saturday.

0:03-0:04 - “Another Pleasant Valley Sunday”. I gather that this is where Rebecca Black might be from. 

Pleasant Valley is a town located in Dutchess County, New York, roughly 80-90 miles north of Manhattan. Founded in 1821, the area has an annual budget of $4.1 million, and a population of 9,066, according to the 2000 census. According to Wikipedia, its name “was chosen to deflect suspicion due to the infamous Henry Dodson Murder Case, in which the town councilman was found brutally slain, with rumors that he had opposed the Patent on grounds of its dubious legality.”

Notable luminaries from Pleasant Valley including Melancton Smith, a delegate to the ratification to the U.S. Constitution, and actress Blythe Auffarth.

0:07-0:08 - R2D2 whistles at Rebecca Black. Totally inappropriate.

0:09-0:10 - Her essay is due, titled “I am Thursday’s child”. Does this mean that her mother’s first name is Thursday, or that she was conceived on a Thursday, or was born on a Thursday? Or maybe it’s all three?  Trying to solve this in my head almost made my brain explode.

Also, the sun has a frownie face. It’s because he pooped a squiggly line.

0:12 - It’s Friday. Hooray! Yes! Finally.

0:13-0:15 - I want a clock that changes colors while simultaneously distorting the space-time continuum.

0:22-0:23 - Clearly she’s a cereal lover. That is the only thing Rebecca Black and I have in common.

0:30 - She’s at the bus stop. Then she sees her friends. She faces a dilemma. Does she sit next to the dealer kid from Weeds, or a young man’s “Marky” Mark Wahlberg? 

She sits next to a young Wahlberg. The Chorus ensues. At 1:03-1:07, there are a lot more male voices yelling out “yeah” than there are female voices, which is a bit disconcerting. At 1:08, there’s a gum wrapper attached to the hood of the convertible, behind Rebecca. Then at 1:10, it disappears. What happens to the wrapper?

To solve this quandary, I employ Occam’s Razor, the principle stating that if all explanations are equal, the simplest explanation is the one that’s true. And from this principle, I deduce that that the disappearance of the wrapper is due to another lapse in the space-time continuum (STC).

1:10-1:37 - She’s sitting at the back of the car with her friends. They are not wearing seatbelts, and they are at least going 40 mph. This is not acceptable.

1:37-1:38. She hugs her friends. and they awkwardly respond. I think those are her friends in real life. That’s the most unintentionally sincere moment in the video, and I’m glad that was in it.

1:39- 2:04 - They’re in some kind of party, as promised by the chorus. They’re in some kind of party, as promised by the chorus. It looks like they’re having fun. It looks like they’re having fun. It looks like they’re having fun. It looks like they’re having fun.

2:05 - 2:13 - Rebecca reassures us that it’s still Friday.

2:14 - 2:19 - Rebecca lets it known that we so excited.

2:20 - 2:30 - Rebecca reassures us that tomorrow is Saturday, and Sunday comes afterwards.

2:30-2:50. Random 40 year old rapper guy in a sports car makes it known that Rebecca Black’s initials are R and B.

2:50-3:22 - Rebecca is singing to her classmates. The red and green lights indicate that you’re supposed to watch this part of the video with 3D glasses.

3:23-3:25 - Rapper guy is doing the devil’s horns sign. Totally inappropriate.

3:26-3:43 - Rebecca once again is singing to her classmates.

3:44-3:46 - Her classmates applaud silently.

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On a more earnest note, Rebecca starred in this video when she was 12. And the song on the whole is pretty innocuous, save for the occasional butchering of the English language, here and there. SO ALL YOU REBECCA BLACK HATERS, DON’T BE REBECCA BLACK HATING. Cut the tween some slack.

Thinking back when I was 12 years old, I know I wouldn’t be writing or singing music that is on par with Leonard Cohen’s “Allelujah” or Lennon’s “Across the Universe”. I would most likely be writing something that is far worse in quality than this song. And it would probably be a song about love. Gross.

- foxfur.